I'm trying to get out of my rut

Its been a while since I blogged about life. Most of my blogging (which is very rare) lately has been about work and salsa stuff. My friends have been blogging away and I just need to get back into the swing of things.

It seems as though pregnancy has gotten the best of me. What I mean is, I've found myself in a totally different field of playing. I thought that when I get pregnant, everything was going to be so great and my walk with the Lord will just soar to new heights. But reality is, my spiritual walk feels so cold and dry. I've been so weary for the past 3 months (almost 4). I've been so sick and tired and weary that I found myself so self absorbed in my own pitty and frustrations, that I cast aside my hearts desire to pray and intercede and even sing. I haven't been doing much of anything. I dream a little here and there but not like I was dreaming before. Its like my spiritual antenna is broken or not in use at the moment. I've found myself really annoyed and frustrated with myself and I have had such a hard time trying to get out of it.

Today was one of my first times going back to the House of Prayer (aside from the regular Sunday service that I go to). I had to fight to be focused. I had to try to stay awake because suddenly I became overwhelmed with sleepiness. I was so frustrated. I sat there on my kindle trying to read through Psalms and Deuteronomy. After about two hours, I just finally started to feel like myself again. It was so hard for me. I never had to fight so hard to get into the word or feel the presence of God, but I did today. I've heard so many other young moms tell me how much they loved being pregnant and how it brought them so much closer to God. I feel like a black sheep. Like I took ten steps back instead.

The one thing I've spent a lot of time doing is crying out to the Lord for guidance and healing. I've been so desperate to feel relief from morning sickness and fatigue that I couldn't focus on anything else really. It hasn't been up until just recently this week, that I have had at least 3 full days without being sick (not counting today of course). I just finally feel relief and its like the smoke is clearing from around me spiritually speaking. Like I'm starting to see clearly again. Sadly, I haven't exactly been a prayer warrior in the mommy department. I've prayed over the baby in my womb....but out of my own self pitty have focused on me being sick. My husband has been so diligently praying over me and the baby. He's been the rock that I have been leaning on for the past few months. He's been going daily to the House of Prayer and just has tunnel vision. Just like we used to when we were on staff. I'm almost jealous of that. He's up early and out the door ready for the day. Meanwhile I'm at home laying in bed praying I hold down my food for the day. Sigh....I've had to fight a lot of guilt and condemnation as well. I've also had to fight the urge to be bitter about being pregnant. Not because of the baby, but because its been such a rough road physically for me. I'm slowly emerging from the rubble....Hopefully things will just begin to improve with my health and with my spiritual walk as well. I guess I just need to breathe a little bit and dust myself off and keep on walking. I really don't know what else to do at the moment.......

A day in the life of a prego dancer

Its been such a rough few weeks. I have been doing a lot of praying for mercy. I wake up to a volcanic eruption of what I like to call "pukemaggedon". Its so hard to function normal on a day when you feel like you have the flu all the time. I pray a lot to the Lord for mercy and strength to endure. Its not easy teaching and dancing with nausea flipping my stomach over and over.

I've been making a conscious effort to continue doing everything I would normally do in my day to day life, but I find myself exhausted constantly and worried from one moment to another whether I'm going to hold food down. Now I realize millions of women suffer through this everyday. However, this is the first time I've had to go through this and its almost traumatizing. I have been focused on trying to keep going each day like normal, but its is increasingly hard as the weeks go by. Lots of moms have been telling me "don't worry, its all over in a few weeks"....and then I have other moms say "yeah I puked till my third trimester". Sigh.....I'm not sure how long this part of the pregnancy will last...but man I am praying for a miracle. I just want to feel semi normal again. I want to be able to wake up and not feel sick.

I know that in the end, I will not think back on this but rather enjoy the new life that God blessed us with. I lose lots of sleep thinking about that. I think about how I'm supposed to work and be a mom all at the same time. I mean, its not like I have a typical 9-5 job. I teach salsa for a living and my schedule is so crazy. I travel, I teach, I dance......sigh...I lose sleep just imagining how I'm supposed to do this all. Its definitely going to take me to a place of prayer. I have never needed more prayer than I do now. Anyway, that was my soap box whining moment for the day. I can't wait to write about new and exciting things instead of my puke sorrows. 

More on Prego adventures

So this is a strange child already. If I eat anything healthy such as vegetables, soup or anything green pretty much, I gag profusely. I can't even think about it because it makes my stomach just turn. Now, I can sit down and have an entire bowl of crappy kids cereal and I don't have one bout of nausea. Go figure! This is definitely a child after Ralph's own heart. At least I've managed to be able to hold down food. This is good.

I kind of wish there was an organic pregnancy energy drink out there. If such a thing were to exist. I have no energy what so ever. Its just such a mission to walk up a flight of stairs. Its so strange. I never knew I could be so completely overwhelmed and tired. I sleep a lot, puke a lot, and lay around feeling miserable as of lately. I know this is supposed to be this great beautiful experience, but seriously??? I'm just praying for tomorrow to be the day the nausea and puking stops. I haven't thought of baby room themes or anything like that. Just one day at a time of torture. I know everyone keeps telling me "its only temporary, and it will all be over soon" or "be happy even in the bad times its a blessing". Sigh...soooo much easier said than done. I mean, I am thankful that the Lord blessed me to have a child. Some people can't get this far. So I know I'm blessed in that aspect. However, it doesn't make the process of being sick any better. It is what it is. Sigh.

I'm hoping that this will all be over soon. Here's hoping for the best!
rach

The test

So I had a feeling that I was prego. I actually prayed the night before this test. I asked God to give me a dream to tell me if I am prego or not. He did. I dreamed I took this test and basically freaked out in the dream. Well I woke up, remembered the dream, took the test....and yes....I freaked out. I had a mini meltdown. I just felt it wasn't the greatest timing but its all good. I know everything happens for a reason. So I'm running with this one. Sigh....here we go again!

Prego Adventures

It was this time last year that I started up the Prego Chronicles and then quickly after that lost the baby I was having. Its a year later and here I am. Pregnant. Again. So, I figured I would write about all of my little adventures.

First on the agenda.....the wicked stomach flu I just got. Wow....I haven't puked that many times since I was a kid. I found myself feeling like my life was officially over. I couldn't figure out if I was sick because of pregnancy or because of a flu. Regardless, it was knocking me out for the count. I ended up going to the emergency room to sit with an IV in my arm for a few hours. They ended up having to give me 4 doses of nausea and vomiting medication to get me to settle my stomach. Needless to say, it was settled (sort of) until I got back in the car and left the hospital. There I was again in the car. Going at it again. It was awful. The doctors tried to diagnose me with hyperemesis. I refused to believe that I was going to be sick like this for the first and second half of my pregnancy. I was miserable. I did a lot of praying and crying out to God. I just kept saying "God, I can't live like this...its awful." Then morning came around and I was still nauseous but the puking subsided. I finally felt relief. I basically slept the majority of the weekend until yesterday. I woke up to hang out for a while but found myself fighting to sleep again.

I'm slowly getting better. That was by far, the worse most wicked stomach virus I have had since I was a kid. I wouldn't wish that on my worse enemy. Anyway, I'm recuperating and I will hopefully be back up and running soon. I went out today and got a little dizzy so I have to take it a little slower. I feel like I've been in a cave for a week. Sheesh....

Anyway, I'll be posting occasionally how I am doing. I'll post a picture or two here and there. Until then....
Rach

Embarking on a new journey of the fascination of God

This weekend we had a wonderful conference called Onething. We had a few guest speakers that came out and gave such a powerful word. Ralph and I could only catch a few hours of it at a time due to work, but it was worth it for the brief moments that we were there.

On Sunday, Wes Martin came to OHOP (Orlando House of Prayer) and talked about prayer life. He described a way of being so fascinated with reading the word that just moved me to my very core. I needed that. I love to read a great book and there are some books in the bible that I love reading over and over. But to be truly fascinated with the word of God and the knowledge of God has not come easy for me. If at all. Now don't get me wrong. I am fascinated with the word but on a different level.

Wes talked about three passages in the bible that he studies that take him on a completely new level of understanding the Knowledge and Holiness of God. He talked about how to dialogue with the Lord and ask questions as you read the passages of scripture and wait on the Lord to speak to you. You wait for Him to reveal and speak to you about the words you are reading. Its amazing how he describes things.

I did that very thing today. I opened up Revelation Chapter 4 and read it over and over. I sat and asked the Lord to speak to me and show me. I asked questions about the four living creatures and the throne room. I even sat still trying to imagine what it must be like up there. I was amazed. It was so cool. God is so great and powerful. Nothing is as fascinating as the word of the living God. Something funny Wes said on Sunday was: "have you ever sat in your car after a movie and just sat in amazement stunned for seven days because of such a movie that floored you?" He was describing Ezekiel 3:15 in the bible and how he had a vision that left him stunned for seven days. Wow.....only the Lord can overwhelm you for seven days. There has never been a blockbuster hit that had people dazed for a week.

Now that I've tried reading the word differently, I am hooked. I can't wait until the Lord starts to fascinate me like that. I don't know to what extent but I am certainly looking forward to it. Maybe He'll give me a dream........

My sisters dog Charlie (he's a Maltese)

Charlie was talking to me lol