I'm trying to get out of my rut

Its been a while since I blogged about life. Most of my blogging (which is very rare) lately has been about work and salsa stuff. My friends have been blogging away and I just need to get back into the swing of things.

It seems as though pregnancy has gotten the best of me. What I mean is, I've found myself in a totally different field of playing. I thought that when I get pregnant, everything was going to be so great and my walk with the Lord will just soar to new heights. But reality is, my spiritual walk feels so cold and dry. I've been so weary for the past 3 months (almost 4). I've been so sick and tired and weary that I found myself so self absorbed in my own pitty and frustrations, that I cast aside my hearts desire to pray and intercede and even sing. I haven't been doing much of anything. I dream a little here and there but not like I was dreaming before. Its like my spiritual antenna is broken or not in use at the moment. I've found myself really annoyed and frustrated with myself and I have had such a hard time trying to get out of it.

Today was one of my first times going back to the House of Prayer (aside from the regular Sunday service that I go to). I had to fight to be focused. I had to try to stay awake because suddenly I became overwhelmed with sleepiness. I was so frustrated. I sat there on my kindle trying to read through Psalms and Deuteronomy. After about two hours, I just finally started to feel like myself again. It was so hard for me. I never had to fight so hard to get into the word or feel the presence of God, but I did today. I've heard so many other young moms tell me how much they loved being pregnant and how it brought them so much closer to God. I feel like a black sheep. Like I took ten steps back instead.

The one thing I've spent a lot of time doing is crying out to the Lord for guidance and healing. I've been so desperate to feel relief from morning sickness and fatigue that I couldn't focus on anything else really. It hasn't been up until just recently this week, that I have had at least 3 full days without being sick (not counting today of course). I just finally feel relief and its like the smoke is clearing from around me spiritually speaking. Like I'm starting to see clearly again. Sadly, I haven't exactly been a prayer warrior in the mommy department. I've prayed over the baby in my womb....but out of my own self pitty have focused on me being sick. My husband has been so diligently praying over me and the baby. He's been the rock that I have been leaning on for the past few months. He's been going daily to the House of Prayer and just has tunnel vision. Just like we used to when we were on staff. I'm almost jealous of that. He's up early and out the door ready for the day. Meanwhile I'm at home laying in bed praying I hold down my food for the day. Sigh....I've had to fight a lot of guilt and condemnation as well. I've also had to fight the urge to be bitter about being pregnant. Not because of the baby, but because its been such a rough road physically for me. I'm slowly emerging from the rubble....Hopefully things will just begin to improve with my health and with my spiritual walk as well. I guess I just need to breathe a little bit and dust myself off and keep on walking. I really don't know what else to do at the moment.......